The light at the end of the tunnel

i lied to my parents and not coming home early to go to this full moon party,well ive thought about the excuse way early in the planning stage of the trip, calling mom saying that the waves are too choppy and it wasnt safe to come back yet. done. Things were all going fine as planned. The idea of going to this party with my partner is fucking awesome but, boy was i wrong all along.

now, i was all set to go to this party which i heard alot from other people saying that it is 'lain daripada yang lain', so why not give it a shot. I felt good and my girl was so pretty being her wearing the dress i bought her for the party. Before we left, we had some magic mushrooms just to 'get in the mood' but that night, maybe i had a tad toooooo much of it.

i didnt feel that good, but i dont want to ruin her night aswell, so i carried on walking on the beach heading towards this party. Its not hard to miss the party, drawing crowds with its blinking laser lights and noise. its like ants picking up signals for sugar or sumthing. After arriving, the beat was pumping so hard that you feel it was squeezing your heart. i said to her that i didnt feel that good and i made her pretty upset being a party pooper. her face changed. She grabbed my hand and pulled me into a crowd of animals who were dancing their hearts out. Trust me, it wasnt a nice sight. You need to be on something to atleast go through it.

the effect of the shrums kicked in, and everything was sketchy...and i cant feel my legs. next thing i know, i was lying down and she was franticly calling out for help. nobody seems to care. she was crying. at that point i was feeling much better, much lighter. but only to realised that i saw my body on the ground. then, it only hit me...that maybe im dead. i looked like i had a heart attack or sumthing.

was i scared?..not really, eventho u know your time has come, it has a peaceful feel to it. but thats all about to change. a local guy came and started giving CPR..and i cant really describe you...but im not sure whether im alive or dead anymore.

for a moment i saw my girlfriend crying and say how sorry she was...but the next i saw my family was 'mandikan' my jenazah. My family looked so sad. My mom cant stop crying. But i went back to the present scene..where my gf was calling out my name and i realised i was in a car...i was Screaming my heart out when someone touches my body..or even skin...it feels like you're being electrocuted or sumthing.but nodoy can hear me scream. then the scene changed, i see my body was being wrapped with cottons while 'kafan'. only then then pain eased abit. Again, i was back in the car..only realising that she had wrapped me with her cardigan and she was crying still. now i get it when people say be gentle with the jenazah. Because the slightest touch was bloody painful to me.

I realised that i was in 'The tunnel' but i suddenly the light at the end of the tunnel, slowly fade away. and i cant remember what happend next. i woke up in a hospital bed the next day before they let me go.


*based on a true story and im just telling you a story.

Dear God.

okay, here's the thing. its 6.47am on a sunday and i havent been able to go to sleep. ive been having this fear of going to sleep and never waking up again. maybe its the things ive done in the past who comes back and haunts me while eating bits of me without me realising it. i dont like this feeling to be honest. and everynight i'll pray to God to forgive me. But i realised that the more you want to be a good servant of God, the harder it gets. the tests that you'll be facing, forcing you to choose either to hold tightly or succumb to devil's sinly sweet sayings. Trust me, there are times you fail and break your own principles which wrecks you inside making you feel you just wanna let go and not bother, but there is such thing as religion which makes you wanna stand up and sort yourself out. Im not saying im a self-righteous bastard and commit no sin. Sometimes i just feel like i dont know who to talk to, and i know having a little chat with God is devine, but what if you feel useless because you know that you are gonna commit more sin. God will obviously know that you are not sincere when you ask for Taubah no?

Please God. Dont you give up on me.